Didsburydad's Blog

From the not so mean streets of M20, blog about being a dad, Didsbury and dealing with parental confusion

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

Three is a Magic Number

Three – it’s a magic number. De La Soul forewarned me last century and it has proved true. My family of me, Didsbury Son and Didsbury Wife has been a magical threesome and we have always had three pets up to the point that Didsbury Fat Cat mistook the hamster for a moving takeaway and tucked in. I waited three decades to see my team win a major trophy and  my first live review many years ago in a faraway city gave me 3 stars (out of 10). So, threes are all over me

A former baby look forward to the new arrivals

Now, I am going to be a Didsbury Dad three times over. We have twins coming in the autumn and my three is going to be one for each arm and Didsbury Son on my shoulders. I have sworn not to become a baby bore, but already failed and I swore not to make weak jokes and Alien comparisons at early scans and failed. I like a precedent.

My views have changed. In my 20s I eyed up the women as they strolled, in my 30s it was the dogs I got broody for and now – having sailed past 39 and with knees creaking, I eye up the double buggies for their manoeuvrability and deftness at getting through a coffee shop door.

Reactions have varied from the delighted, through the “are you mad” to the downright rude and I am lucky that I meet so many people who are experts on pregnancy, childbirth, twins and parenting and want to share their excruciating knowledge with me.

Whilst Didsbury Wife has been nesting, arranging and being practical I have concentrated on all the important aspects with Didsbury Son. We have decided to share the teaching them to whistle, burp on demand and pop their cheeks. I have my football team romper suits ready for them for photos. So I’m now ready and waiting for my go on the Gas and Air. We’ve practiced nappies on the cuddly toys, become intimately acquainted with Mamas & Papas, Jo Jo Maman Bebe and the saving grace of the South Manchester Twins Club in Didsbury Park.

Now Didsbury Wife is clearly pregnant there are set questions that we are always asked. I want to print cards with

1. They’re Not

2. Not finding out

3. Mind your own business.

With my binoculars in Costa looking for double buggies to assess. In a race at Baby Gap is a Bugaboo Donkey a match for the Mountain Buggy Duet?

I did wonder how it would change my time with Didsbury Son. No longer will we have the peerless 1 to 1 time where we can wander aimlessly and bond over knock knock jokes and red liquorice. But now we can lope around with a pram, pass our repertoire of jokes onto his siblings and just mooch happily as a bigger group – can’t wait.

Raising Children to do as you say, not as you have done

Do as I say, not as I do. Along with love, patience, caring and tuning a blind eye now and then. The keys to successful parenting.

Last week I sat down with Didsbury Son to go through the parenting manual for safe surfing and spam avoidance. He starts big school in September and the pep talk given at a meet and greet scared me into action.  I had to explain to him about phishing, hacking and viruses; all good so far.

Then I had to explain why he hadn’t really won an i Pad, didn’t really have a tax refund waiting for him after school and that even though he seemed nice, the nephew of General Sony Abache didn’t really want to give us $11m, however much that may help with plans for his own laptop and an extension to his Pokemon collection. (Last week I had an email from a Sir Mervyn Kings at Bank of England based in Laos that was so unintentionally funny I almost sent a donation.)

Hindsight came home but foresight is still at sea

It is  a minefield (as opposed to a Minecraft). You see all your previous mistakes flash before your eyes and realise that the noise of internet interference can block the most rationale decision-making. Didsbury Son nodded vigorously but the glazed expression told me he probably already knew more than me anyway.

Whilst trying to explain why you shouldn’t always put in an email exactly what you think of people I was reminded of accidentally sending a soon to be former boss a message about how abysmal his 5pm Friday calls were. Hindsight, a gift less useful than foresight in any world; especially one with worms, malware and emoticons.

I made it clear to Didsbury Son that after the age of 12 emoticons are like a ponytail on a 40-year-old man. Good to laugh at but primarily sad and out-of-place

Like Solomon I dished out truths, like Alexander I saw off invaders, and like a fool I accidentally downloaded a programme reader that has taken over my email and spammed everyone I have ever met continuously since.

For the last 3 days I have been one of the most communicative marketeers for Blu-Rays. Physical Enhancements and, well, more physical enhancements.

I have received patient, supportive and angry emails and Didsbury Son hasn’t once looked at me smugly or questioned my competence.

I hope one day to develop his open-hearted generosity in the face of such clowns’ stupidity.

Next week: Back to Nature – Gone Phishing

The wisdom of Solomon but occasionally the thought processes of a terracotta soldier

How the Higgs Boson was found in Didsbury Village

The news has all been (apart from Andy Murray and the weather and Barclays and Didsbury Son’s School Play ) Higgs Boson this, CERN that, Physicists from around the world blah blah. They’ve all missed a trick and wasted money.

The Avataresque set they have built under a ski slope near Geneva, where Tefal heads play ping pong with imaginary marbles could have been built here in the capital of Barbers, Charity Shops and Coffee concessions.

The God Particle may be a perjorative term but within the confines of Didsbury ( real Didsbury, not Estate Agents) we have all the god, spirituality, present and ex-past media moguls and university lecturers to unearth the smallest of particles.

First a quick history of CERN. Why CERN? Why Switzerland ? Why bother?

The Americans (represented by TFI Fridays in Cheadle) were in a race with The Japanese (Samsi opposite The Red Lion) . *Although Samsi is still in M20 and the California Rolls are to die for, it is Withington not Didsbury. The race was something to do with Big Bang Theory and writing a follow-up for Brian Cox and Lassana Diara O’Briain.

Still with me? You get 10 credits for an MA in Costa after this.

Europe (Didsbury) got wind of the Japanese v Americans battle and knew we could find Higgs Boson’s God Particle first if we pulled together. With WestFest, Cav Fest, Didsbury Arts Festival and a new bar on Burton Road how could we fail? We (Didsbury / CERN) beat the Asian/North American efforts with the same tenacity Douglas Bader showed in Reach for the Skies.

Higgs missed the collaborative God-inspired particles that the Didsbury Mosque, St. James & Emmanuel, St. Catherine’s, Queens Road Synagogue combined with Fog Lane Park, Healthy Spirit and the MMU Library could create.

If they had arranged for Didsbury’s Primary School mothers to create a chain around Didsbury and awarded an Airy Fairy Cup Cake to the fastest runner we could have created the conditions that the CERN saps spent a Premier League debt creating; easy.

To put the Higgs Boson in easily understandable terms it’s like this.

At CERN (which is a bit like Didsbury Scout Hut) they built a particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider. This was in collaboration with Sure Start and The Rotary Club and made its debut at 2008 Didsbury Festival.

It is the accelerator that has enabled the discovery of the Higgs Boson. (A boson is a type of Hadron), Didsbury Wife told me this and that it goes through France as well as Switzerland ( that’s South Didsbury according to Reeds Rains).

The existence of the particle proves that before Zizzi was the least successful Japanese restaurant cum gothic disaster ever. Before that the Clocktower, The Orange Tree, The Old Grey Horse and at the start of time – The Cavalcade.

This proves creationist theory that to make a decent Lamb Shank get the lamb from Axons.

It explains why, seconds after The Big Bang a charity shop opened in Wilmslow Road and means all we have left to discover is what the shop next to No 4. On Warburton Street actually sells.

Next week: pandas procreate after a day out at Fletcher Moss. “coffee and cake at Fusion Deli sealed the deal.” says delighted Zookeeper

How the Higgs Boson was found in Didsbury Village

The news has all been (apart from Andy Murray and the weather and Barclays and Didsbury Son’s School Play ) Higgs Boson this, CERN that, Physicists from around the world blah blah. They’ve all missed a trick and wasted money.

The Avataresque set they have built under a ski slope near Geneva, where Tefal heads play ping pong with imaginary marbles could have been built here in the capital of Barbers, Charity Shops and Coffee concessions.

The God Particle may be a perjorative term but within the confines of Didsbury ( real Didsbury, not Estate Agents) we have all the god, spirituality, present and ex-past media moguls and university lecturers to unearth the smallest of particles.

First a quick history of CERN. Why CERN? Why Switzerland ? Why bother?

The Americans (represented by TFI Fridays in Cheadle) were in a race with The Japanese (Samsi opposite The Red Lion) . *Although Samsi is still in M20 and the California Rolls are to die for, it is Withington not Didsbury. The race was something to do with Big Bang Theory and writing a follow-up for Brian Cox and Lassana Diara O’Briain.

Still with me? You get 10 credits for an MA in Costa after this.

Europe (Didsbury) got wind of the Japanese v Americans battle and knew we could find Higgs Boson’s God Particle first if we pulled together. With WestFest, Cav Fest, Didsbury Arts Festival and a new bar on Burton Road how could we fail? We (Didsbury / CERN) beat the Asian/North American efforts with the same tenacity Douglas Bader showed in Reach for the Skies.

Higgs missed the collaborative God-inspired particles that the Didsbury Mosque, St. James & Emmanuel, St. Catherine’s, Queens Road Synagogue combined with Fog Lane Park, Healthy Spirit and the MMU Library could create.

If they had arranged for Didsbury’s Primary School mothers to create a chain around Didsbury and awarded an Airy Fairy Cup Cake to the fastest runner we could have created the conditions that the CERN saps spent a Premier League debt creating; easy.

To put the Higgs Boson in easily understandable terms it’s like this.

At CERN (which is a bit like Didsbury Scout Hut) they built a particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider. This was in collaboration with Sure Start and The Rotary Club and made its debut at 2008 Didsbury Festival.

It is the accelerator that has enabled the discovery of the Higgs Boson. (A boson is a type of Hadron), Didsbury Wife told me this and that it goes through France as well as Switzerland ( that’s South Didsbury according to Reeds Rains).

The existence of the particle proves that before Zizzi was the least successful Japanese restaurant cum gothic disaster ever. Before that the Clocktower, The Orange Tree, The Old Grey Horse and at the start of time – The Cavalcade.

This proves creationist theory that to make a decent Lamb Shank get the lamb from Axons.

It explains why, seconds after The Big Bang a charity shop opened in Wilmslow Road and means all we have left to discover is what the shop next to No 4. On Warburton Street actually sells.

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: