How the Higgs Boson was found in Didsbury Village
The news has all been (apart from Andy Murray and the weather and Barclays and Didsbury Son’s School Play ) Higgs Boson this, CERN that, Physicists from around the world blah blah. They’ve all missed a trick and wasted money.
The Avataresque set they have built under a ski slope near Geneva, where Tefal heads play ping pong with imaginary marbles could have been built here in the capital of Barbers, Charity Shops and Coffee concessions.
The God Particle may be a perjorative term but within the confines of Didsbury ( real Didsbury, not Estate Agents) we have all the god, spirituality, present and ex-past media moguls and university lecturers to unearth the smallest of particles.
First a quick history of CERN. Why CERN? Why Switzerland ? Why bother?
The Americans (represented by TFI Fridays in Cheadle) were in a race with The Japanese (Samsi opposite The Red Lion) . *Although Samsi is still in M20 and the California Rolls are to die for, it is Withington not Didsbury. The race was something to do with Big Bang Theory and writing a follow-up for Brian Cox and Lassana Diara O’Briain.
Still with me? You get 10 credits for an MA in Costa after this.
Europe (Didsbury) got wind of the Japanese v Americans battle and knew we could find Higgs Boson’s God Particle first if we pulled together. With WestFest, Cav Fest, Didsbury Arts Festival and a new bar on Burton Road how could we fail? We (Didsbury / CERN) beat the Asian/North American efforts with the same tenacity Douglas Bader showed in Reach for the Skies.
Higgs missed the collaborative God-inspired particles that the Didsbury Mosque, St. James & Emmanuel, St. Catherine’s, Queens Road Synagogue combined with Fog Lane Park, Healthy Spirit and the MMU Library could create.
If they had arranged for Didsbury’s Primary School mothers to create a chain around Didsbury and awarded an Airy Fairy Cup Cake to the fastest runner we could have created the conditions that the CERN saps spent a Premier League debt creating; easy.
To put the Higgs Boson in easily understandable terms it’s like this.
At CERN (which is a bit like Didsbury Scout Hut) they built a particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider. This was in collaboration with Sure Start and The Rotary Club and made its debut at 2008 Didsbury Festival.
It is the accelerator that has enabled the discovery of the Higgs Boson. (A boson is a type of Hadron), Didsbury Wife told me this and that it goes through France as well as Switzerland ( that’s South Didsbury according to Reeds Rains).
The existence of the particle proves that before Zizzi was the least successful Japanese restaurant cum gothic disaster ever. Before that the Clocktower, The Orange Tree, The Old Grey Horse and at the start of time – The Cavalcade.
This proves creationist theory that to make a decent Lamb Shank get the lamb from Axons.
It explains why, seconds after The Big Bang a charity shop opened in Wilmslow Road and means all we have left to discover is what the shop next to No 4. On Warburton Street actually sells.
Next week: pandas procreate after a day out at Fletcher Moss. “coffee and cake at Fusion Deli sealed the deal.” says delighted Zookeeper