Didsburydad's Blog

From the not so mean streets of M20, blog about being a dad, Didsbury and dealing with parental confusion

Competitive Parenting – The Eternal Struggle


If you ever need to feel better about yourself there are some easy solutions.
You could put together a Kinder Egg toy for a four year old, taking their oohs and aahs at your dexterity as a pat on the back.
You could ask an 11 year old a question and tell them that the word “like” can only be used in the answer if it is the opening of a similie.Or you could go to the web pages of The International Federation of Competitive Eating (ifoce.com) and realise that those pounds gained during pregnancy (even if you were not actually the pregnant one) are nothing to worry about. I am not a fan of competitive parenting. “Ooh Didsbury Son invented a cure for Cartoon Network on the bus home today” but our competitive nature comes out when we are not expecting it to get shirty.

Our own version of Competitive Parenting is a bizarre battle for moral supremacy stoked by childcare through the pain barrier. One of us says “Oh I’m tired” and the other jumps on the bus and rides a long, citing ever decreasing hours of sleep. This is just an extension of Didsbury Son bragging with friends about staying up late and watching inappropriate films (never happens – much to his chagrin)
Stakes then get raised in a version of muscular pain roulette that ends with us virtually paralysed, but (sobs), doing it for the children. Muscular pain roulette is where David Dickinson’s auction meets NHS Direct. Go too early with a severe pain and you lose. Fail to join in and you could have a full night of lifting, shifting, feeding and pleading with Mighty- headed twin in his nightly, 2-hourly WAAH fest.
Regardez est encoute how to crescendo:
– My back’s a bit stiff from lifting the babies out of the cot so much
(Quickly)
– Me too and I think I have tennis elbow.
(Jump in, ignoring comment)
Uh huh and my housemaid’s knee is sore sore sore from all the time I spend playing on the floor with them.
(Nonchalant)
– I felt something snap when I was double dream feeding last night. You slept through, I didn’t want to disturb you. I ache all over, but at least the babies are happy.
(Winner).
Then sit back and prepare to choose the comfy side of the bed and sleep happily through the 2am call.

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