Didsburydad's Blog

From the not so mean streets of M20, blog about being a dad, Didsbury and dealing with parental confusion

Archive for the month “April, 2016”

Snoring, sneezing and big big love

Didsbury Dad Mansions is Snot Central right now. The house resounds to the sound of coughing and of
noses being blown. Tissues are secreted around the house like little cat toys. My pearly-topped princess sniffs as though this terrible scourge will never end. Competitive sleep deprivation has a new friend and has taken a back seat. Yesterday, my catarrhal morning croak and sub Barry White vocal register won a lie-in til 8. Today Didsbury Wife returned early and forlorn from her morning run. A night on the Sinutab and an early morning Heffalump movie meant I had no answer, dressing duties were mine.This general spluttering which began in nursery, came home, went to work, to school, to home, to nursery, to family, to school and back is one of the Manchester-living selling points not often promoted. “Come to Manchester, once Cottonopolis – go home with an Upper Respiratory infection.”

When I got to the platform there was no one to moan with.

lurgy – visual representation 

It also ties in nicely with one of our greatest national celebrations, National Snoring Week (25-29 April – strapline “It’s just the way I’m lying”).

After the confusion of an early Easter and a late Passover, the liberal angst of St. George’s Day is closely followed by the pointlessness of National Snoring Week. Turns out this is not about promoting snoring as a postmodern family pursuit. There are no articles that begin, ” Embrace the sound of your loved ones having a good sleep after their nightcap. Good times, leave your cares behind, just come along and drift into restfulness and prove you could fall sleep in a Steelworks.”The British Snoring & Sleep Apnoea Association (not to be confused with the Association of British Snorers & Sleep Apnoea Appreciators) are having a field day. There is free postage all week (www.britishsnoring.co.uk) and a range of products that seem to have escaped from either a GCSE Chemistry lab or are a zip short of Ann Summers Gimpware. 

saving Private Kitty

I have a friend. Erm, Withington Dad, who apparently snores (obviously it doesn’t disturb him). We thought a more useful set of products could include Rib protectors for that jab telling you to get off your back, earplugs so you aren’t disturbed by being told to shut up or a long straw so if one wakes up with a dry mouth from a couple of hours catching flies and singing guttural chants you don’t have to try and find the water next to your bed. It’s a common conversation between couples everywhere. But as a great philosopher once said, “Show me a man who does not snore and I will show you a man doing no childcare…
Junior Doctors solidarity poster   

(or drinking coffee, alcohol, being overweight, eating too late, staying up watching TV, sleeping badly, finding out there are consequences to years of partying or generally being a man.)

Chic – Good Times: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8g6bUe5MDRo

A re-edit, navel gazing and core strength

At the age of 39 years, more than 39 months and 39 days this much I know about being a Didsbury Dad and the worries it brings.   
1. The DVLA are planning to introduce a section in the driving test that includes parking to pick up an order from Urban Grille on Wilmslow Road. To pass, customers have to avoid parking across a junction, pedestrian crossing and cycle lane without dropping their mobile or missing an expletive within the conversation they are having on it whilst parking.

2. In a year when the headlines have fed us a daily dose of carnage, megadeath, celebrity death, general hatred, fear and pointless politicians braying like a vine of a broken record there is solace in the simple pleasures of M20. 

I try to steer clear of politics in this column BUT living in a genuine multicultural area and enjoying the benefits of the 100% Polish Dot and her re-invention of the Pavillion in the park, the Finnish owned, Casa Italia, the German Supermarket chain, the best French patisserie outside Paris, the Nepalese etc. etc. Enforces why Didsbury is such a lovely place to live.  

 My greatest current joy is thinking that who or whatever was responsible for the word “Brexit” is probably a rich combination of the words TWAddle and caT. 
3. Bringing up a teenager, albeit that Didsbury Son is still rather lovely, requires the diplomacy and stealth of Jonathan Pines in The Night Manager. I am more naturally Iggle Piggle In The Nightgarden.  

  My last promo shot pre the twins’ birth shows the true effect of sleep deprivation 

4. Children go through many developmental stages. The twin boddlers are currently at the walk on every wall, pavement crack and step on any road. The average time to walk 500 yards is 20 minutes, 2 tantrums and a slight graze. 

5. My latest attempts to reach Self Actualisation involve Pilates and strengthening my “core”. (Who knew in the 80s that slouching and smoking weren’t positive lifestyle choices?). I now finally know what a neutral spine is (although I’m still more C than S), but tipping my pelvis under still sounds like it should be a euphemism for something you wouldn’t ask for on a first or second date.  

 Recreating I Am Kurious Orange for nursery

6. Donald Trump is not an idiot. Laughable at times yes, but clever in all the most negative of ways. A shadow print of Tony Robbins. 
7. When transatlantic fear and racism crowd my mind. When the challenges of call centres, tax changes, not being 20 something and life balance seem too much, i try to be positive. I lie awake at night listening to the house, the cats and the family breathing. Knowing that for at least half the house there is very little that can’t be solved with a Kinder Egg.  

  If there isn’t a My Little Pony in here I’m in trouble. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3HMhWB95ldQ


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