7.45pm. Friday Night. I am trapped. The Mighty-Headed Boy snores contentedly, draped across my stomach – his legs wrapped around my left arm like fleshy vines. The Pearly-topped princess has my right armed gripped so tightly as she nuzzles into a toddler-shaped curve I cannot move. My phone is open at Football Manager but my fingers cannot reach the screen. Didsbury Wife and son are out. It’s just me in a dark room, on a warm bed with two boddlers curved around me and no extra hand for internet access.
My mind drifted to those thoughts we all have, “What if In The Night Garden” was a documentary voiced by David Attenborough; if I was a teenager now would wi-fi mean I never had to leave my room and who votes for UKIP with a clear conscience?
I then thought how long-known acronyms, antonyms and phrases take on different meanings st different times of your life.
ATM. All trousers milk stained
BBC. Bathtime Bed. Chill
FUBAR – Found Upsy-Daisy But Aptamil Run out
SOS – Sudocrem or Suffer
TTFN – teenager talking flipping nonsense
HTML – Home Time. Milk Loaded
Wake Up And a Smell The Coffee – then make it after you’ve changed the nappies and done milk.
Life’s Too Short – so embrace being woken 3 times a night as you can enjoy more of it.
The Tail Wagging The Dog : Social experiment where parents make all decisions based on the rationale of teenage moods
Disney – Magical Kingdom of slightly worrying stereotypes that occupy small children in trance-like stupor for two hours per day.
Minecraft – Magical Kingdom of slightly worrying stereotypes that occupy new teenagers in trance- like stupor for three hours per day.
ETA – Estimated Time of Arrival in the old days, now a phrase dependent on the sleep wake nappy phenomenon. Now more likely to stand for Evening Tomorrow or After…
HRT. Hormonally Reactive Teenager
eBay – recycling for parents. Expect your rating to soar after the first visit to Jo Jo, ELC and Boots points out the real cost of plastic and sheepskin.
Psychological Warfare. Interrupting any song in Frozen for dressing, undressing, changing or Calpol.
1000 Yard Stare, a syndrome that occurs when on the way back from a midnight cot settle. Your nascent teenager, voice breaking mid-syllable informs you he’s hungry, can’t sleep and wants a chat. Fire up the toaster and make yourself comfy.
A television and a full moon. Both are excellent parenting tools
I sacrificed glamour like this for my children