Didsburydad's Blog

From the not so mean streets of M20, blog about being a dad, Didsbury and dealing with parental confusion

Archive for the tag “Sky Sports News”

Sleep Depravation and the IPhone battery

Sleep Depravation shows the extent of the convergence between humanity and technology. I have developed battery life akin to my iPhone. When I first brought the Sleep Depravation 4 just under 3 years ago I just needed a quick sync and full charge every week to ten days and worked in full power.After 3 winters and several depravation upgrades (they’ve got heavier, louder and harder to shush down), this third summer has seen my joints stiffen and my energy plunge as short trips (what in the name of Waitrose was I thinking) to opposite ends of the UK have left the toddlers with on tour timings and tantrums and Didsbury Wife and I so low on juice that even an altruistic induced lie-in only gets us out of the red for a couple of hours. Just like your iPhone. By month 24 a quick trawl through Sky Sports News and its wheezing and out of life. 

I fell asleep in a lift today – it would not have been so bad were I not a) claustrophobic b) in a conversation at the time regarding a creative project. 

I have brought a mobile charger (Berocca), a car charger (Coffee) and plugged into the computer (Sugar). But all I know is that I’m only a 5am Peppa Pig Party away from crashing and was so disoriented yesterday I used an emoticon 😭.

  One pig, 15 apps, 12 ribs in sauce

I’m positively looking forward to my next withering put down by teen boy Didsbury Son; at least he doesn’t need milk or picking up.   

 I was so tired yesterday I tried moving his helmet so I could tell them he’d gone to Doggy Heaven. 

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Fitbit, focus groups and the best coffee this side of Mars,

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. The men had been meaning to move to Venus for ages but y’know what it’s like. They got friendly with a couple of Martians, the deli on the corner just knew how they liked the coffee and although the roof leaked, the plumbing was teenage in its temperamentally challenging behaviour, the car got robbed and the carpet was pre-war it was home and they quite liked the landlord. Why move when it could be worse.

It was only when the women told them about the new sports bars opening up across Venus and refused to even drive through Mars, let alone stay over that the men moved. (Excerpt from “Why most men don’t move, they can’t be bothered”). This is one more reason why I don’t like Focus Groups. You can’t get a decent coffee and bagel in Venus.

Henry Ford (car genius, moral leper) once said (approximately). “If I’d asked the public what they wanted they would have said “faster horses” when asked how he came up with that monstrous micro mess the Ford Ka. I was recently asked to be on a focus group for a new “family friendly” museum and gallery. Family friendly to most dads means no gift shop, free couches and nothing on sale in the cafe over £2.50. This session followed a night when, according to my Fitbit. I slept for 4 hours, 20 mins and was awake 7 times and restless many more between 11.06pm ( Peppa Pig’s Holiday App finally sees off Mighty Headed Boy) and 6.08pm (Sago Mini Pet Cafe buys me 17 minutes of zzzzzzz) when Princess Blondini jabs me in the eye shouting “wake up daddy, moon up.”.
We were asked to consider the facilities a 21st century museum should provide the modern family. My tips were:
1. A car park whose distance is far enough away to make the walk back for whatever vital toy that was left there long enough to speak to friends, check football scores and clear head.

2. No wifi. I love Didsbury Son and long to see the front of his face, not just the top of his hood.

3. A slouching post near the baby change table.

4. A prayer room. I make use of these wherever I can. They are the one place you can be sure no one will bother you.

5. Less interactivity. It sets the bar too high for your own domestic masterclass in multi-tasking ( playing with children whilst watching Sky Sports News).

If they take these ideas on board, don’t thank me – just take the kids out for a couple of hours one weekend morning.

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A Mellow Muse and A Sweet Tooth

Sometimes the simplest gestures, the easiest of things and the smallest of treats mean the most. I was not thinking about those moments when the titles to Frozen come on screen and the boddlers whoop and cheer before settling down to glaze over with a bowl of soma for company. I hadn’t even considered that moment, that beautiful rare moment when you realise that you have woken up naturally ; that there is rare calm and you have time to check in and work out which joints are creaking most before the first “Mummy, Daddy – Milk” pierces the calm and sends the cats hurtling for shelter from pointy 22 month old fingers.

No, I am talking about the pleasure of a weekly ritual. In any maelstrom you must find a sliver of calmness. For some it is a pub visit, a meditation, a pork pie and snooze in Tesco Car park. Others fail to find it and trouble ensues. Somehow, without you realising it, a wheel will come off somewhere, it’s almost a law of physics.

I have my Weekly ritual. On Saturday mornings I have an hour to myself at the gym. Whilst the workout , the swim, the slope to the sofas to read the papers and the shower without company ( insert own joke) are all needed and enjoyed it is none if them.

My greatest joy is getting to the gym car park, unwrapping a Blackcurrant Fox’s Glacier Fruit and enjoying it slowly whilst reading the Sky Sports News App. It’s cheap, easy and three minutes of sugary indulgence that leaves a happy taste in the mouth and stops the world long enough to enjoy a solo moment away from Daddom .

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