Didsburydad's Blog

From the not so mean streets of M20, blog about being a dad, Didsbury and dealing with parental confusion

Archive for the tag “Women are from Venus”

Fitbit, focus groups and the best coffee this side of Mars,

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. The men had been meaning to move to Venus for ages but y’know what it’s like. They got friendly with a couple of Martians, the deli on the corner just knew how they liked the coffee and although the roof leaked, the plumbing was teenage in its temperamentally challenging behaviour, the car got robbed and the carpet was pre-war it was home and they quite liked the landlord. Why move when it could be worse.

It was only when the women told them about the new sports bars opening up across Venus and refused to even drive through Mars, let alone stay over that the men moved. (Excerpt from “Why most men don’t move, they can’t be bothered”). This is one more reason why I don’t like Focus Groups. You can’t get a decent coffee and bagel in Venus.

Henry Ford (car genius, moral leper) once said (approximately). “If I’d asked the public what they wanted they would have said “faster horses” when asked how he came up with that monstrous micro mess the Ford Ka. I was recently asked to be on a focus group for a new “family friendly” museum and gallery. Family friendly to most dads means no gift shop, free couches and nothing on sale in the cafe over £2.50. This session followed a night when, according to my Fitbit. I slept for 4 hours, 20 mins and was awake 7 times and restless many more between 11.06pm ( Peppa Pig’s Holiday App finally sees off Mighty Headed Boy) and 6.08pm (Sago Mini Pet Cafe buys me 17 minutes of zzzzzzz) when Princess Blondini jabs me in the eye shouting “wake up daddy, moon up.”.
We were asked to consider the facilities a 21st century museum should provide the modern family. My tips were:
1. A car park whose distance is far enough away to make the walk back for whatever vital toy that was left there long enough to speak to friends, check football scores and clear head.

2. No wifi. I love Didsbury Son and long to see the front of his face, not just the top of his hood.

3. A slouching post near the baby change table.

4. A prayer room. I make use of these wherever I can. They are the one place you can be sure no one will bother you.

5. Less interactivity. It sets the bar too high for your own domestic masterclass in multi-tasking ( playing with children whilst watching Sky Sports News).

If they take these ideas on board, don’t thank me – just take the kids out for a couple of hours one weekend morning.

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£2.49

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Kofi Annan at The Cheese Hamlet

Men are from Mars, Women are from Didsbury and thankfully Didsbury Wife used the wisdom of The Clocktower ( the actual tower not the pub named after it) to restore equilibrium.

Like many men I am better in the middle of the night and the early morning than I am between 6.30 and bedtime. We are generally better reacting and being heroic occasionally rather than conscious consistent measured parenting.

By the time Iggle Piggle got back in his boat yesterday I had managed to contradict, confuse, combobulate and concheese off everyone to such an extent that even the cats hissed when I walked in. I had backed into a homework cul-de-sac on a high horse I could not ride and was in danger of creating an atmosphere more sour than cheap wine. Being eyeballed by thee disappointed children made Millwall away seem easy.

Didsbury Wife rescued me. Like a Blue Peter presenter with a pile of rubbish infront of her she created something good out of it and Didsbury Son was even able to patronise me before he scooted around to his friends to park himself on a different chair and watch a different screen.

I retreated to the boddlers where there is nothing that can’t be solved by popping your cheeks, tipping them upside down and singing In The Night Garden.

The wisdom of the ages and a large cappuccino to go, Jamie Oliver and Jessie J.

This much I have learned as I sail past 39 years 39 months and a bit extra for winter.

1. Years ago I went to a 60th Wedding Anniversary. It was the 80s and even the buffet was brown. The husband got up and said “When we married we agreed that she (he said pointing at his bride) would be in charge of the small issues and I would decide the large issues – in 60 years there hasn’t been a single large issue”. The audience laughed, I titivated my Morten Hacket mullet but it stuck in my mind.

2. Look after the pennies and you can afford a large skinny cappuccino with an extra shot every now and then.

3. By the age of 40 everyone gets the face they deserve; but not necessarily the house, car or the respect.

4. Counting blessings works more quickly than counting sheep, adding up credit scores can lead to insomnia.

5. Feel the fear and see if someone else will do it for you anyway.

6. Laceless shoes and school uniforms without ties can cover up a lack of coordination and dexterity.

7. All your haircuts will eventually come back in to fashion.

8. Reading everyone’s twitter feeds when you are in babysitting alone can make you feel like you are missing out on life, taking a peek at the sleeping heirs can redress the balance.

9. No dad really knows the answer to 99% of the dilemmas in life – the other 1% relate to football.

10. Most things in life are better after a mooch and a coffee.

Not exactly the Dalai Lama – but he didn’t have to spend an hour tonight singing “If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands”.

PS: other things I have learned include the fact that everyone says potato and no one says “potarto”, predictive text should always be turned off to avoid losing friends unwittingly, we all go through a Jamie Oliver phase and Jessie J was right, but didn’t have to pay childcare for twins.

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Early shots of the costume department for Star Wars 7 don’t look promising.

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A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, quite often a finger in the ear and sometimes a warmer neck than you had hoped for

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